Thyroid Fears

As a result of the one year post-chemo CT scan, a nodule was found on my thyroid. Benign ones are common, but because my chances for thyroid cancer are significantly higher than average (about 1% to 2% as opposed to .01%), more monitoring is done. Today I had a fine needle aspiration biopsy. The procedure was easy. Lieing down, they numb the neck and scan the thyroid with ultra-sound, while someone - a intervention radiologist - pokes a fine needle into the thyroid. (The thyroid is close to the skin on the neck.) A pathologist is in the room, looking at the samples to ensure it is appropriate for further analysis. It took about 8 pokes and lasted about 30 minutes. The preliminary analysis by the pathologist was that it was benign.

As I was waiting to go for the procedure, I freaked out a bit and started thinking about whether it might be cancer. I thought how silly it was to be thinking of job hunting or life as usual. Just wanted to get in a car and drive away. I had not thought about it particularly before, but being there and having to face the reality got me very scared. I guess you never really get over the fear.

Job Hunting

After basically not working for over a year and not really having the motivation to do anything, the motivation came back and I began exploring my options, including writing, going back to school, and going back to work. Even before the cancer, I had thought about going back to school and I was whistful about not doing so at times, but it feels different now.

A metaphor that comes to mind is one of a buffet. I have always had lots of options - many good ones - in my life. Using the "buffet" metaphor, before the cancer I didn't think too much about the selections. I might have been hungry and ate because I really wanted to or I might have eaten something just because it was there. Sometimes I was overwhelmed by the choices and sometimes having choice felt good. After chemotherapy, I was depressed. The "buffet" was there, but nothing looked appealing and I had no desire to really look for anything that was. There was nothing I wanted. Now I seem to be looking at all the options, but from a positive way - all seem appealing, but unlike before the cancer, it seems important what choice I make.

I am in the midst of an interview cycle for a couple of positions and I think I will get a job offer for one, if not both of them. The position is more junior than my previous ones, but I felt that I wanted something with less stress. It's interesting to talk to people who are very involved in something, but whose focus is not on health or cancer. I did not indicate I had "dropped out" of the workplace because of health reasons, as I had been working part-time. So it's also interesting to connect with people who don't react to me either consciously or unconsciously in ways that cancer sets you apart. The people are also younger and more career oriented than I am now, although I can relate to their current situation.

I definitely like the feeling of being part of something that feels life affirming. Like there is nothing else one should spend their time on other than trying to get a product out. Before cancer, I would often make choices based on the "fear" of what I might be losing. I still feel conflictive, but it's on the other side. I want to make a choice based on what I can be having.

I am enjoying the writing and have joined a writing class to further develop my idea on writing a book. I have also made some - albeit minimal - progress on going to school and/or other activities that would be around cancer.

Magazine Article

I wrote an article on using the internet - on-line forums, emails, and blogs. I sent it unsolicited to a cancer patient magazine and today it was accepted for publication. I had written it (and another article that I am waiting for a response about) primarily as a way for me to integrate the cancer experience into my identity rather than let it overwhelm me, but must acknowledge that when I saw the email I was a bit nervous about opening it and getting a rejection. When I saw it was an acceptance, I was pleased. The support I have gotten from everyone - including my friends via the internet - has really been important to me.

Tomorrow I am going in for a fulltime job interview. I have mixed feelings. I am both excited about being involved in something again (I have done some parttime assignments, but basically haven't worked in a year) and yet not sure I want to focus my energy on the same things I had been doing most of my life. I feel like I'm at a buffet with many options and they all look good, but I can only eat so much. The acceptance of the writing reinforces the feeling that I might like to do something different.

M.O.S.T.

Medical Oncology Survivorship Team - M.O.S.T. - This is a program offered by the cancer center I go to and sponsored in conjunction with the Lance Armstrong Foundation to provide a long term care overview of cancer survivorship and collect statistics on the effects of cancer treatment. I had my appointment today. Most of the information was about things such as the role of exercise and overall health care - not just an emphasis on cancer. They did not have much information on the long term effects of the chemo I took. I feel having a central place, though, to collect information and, in the future, have the data is a good thing. Their knowledge base right now is more on breast cancer (lung, then colon are the two major cancers at this time, though) and on children that had cancer and have effects from the treatment.

A Radiothon

A local radio station - WARM 106.9 FM - had their annual Catch a Cure for Cancer radiothon today. . Listeners were inspired with the stories of patients and their families, given an opportunity to call in and pledge funds to the cause. A collaboration with The Moyer Foundation, the money raised was to fund early cancer-detection research. I was asked to participate and share my story. It was interesting to do so. I went to the radio station last month and recorded a segment on how early detection would have made a difference in the colon polyps not turning to cancer. I also shared how latest research - such as oral chemotherapy - made a difference to me. I will get a copy of the broadcast and a signed baseball from Moyer. They raised $100,000.