Fears

I go for an endoscopy and colonscopy tomorrow, as a result of the yearly, guideline CT scan that was done last month. A masslike tissue was seen in the anterior of the stomach. My husband's cousin is a radiologist and I had him look at the scan results. He said that the newer CT machines work very quickly and it is not uncommon for a muscle contraction (which happens since you drink the barium) to show up blurred. Usually, if the technician catches it, then they just re-run the test at that time. In this case, to be safe, the endoscopy is needed. Since I was scheduled for on in November, it is only bringing it in by a couple of months - so not too much extra effort.

I remember, however, that when I read the report and was discussing it with the oncologist - the man I trust and feel safe around - although he said similar things, I believed he was sugar-coating the news. I think my fear was so great, I couldn't be soothed. I felt better after getting the opinion a second time, but am still nervous about tomorrow.

I also accompanied my friend who has rectal cancer to her surgical appointment. The surgeon strongly recommended the full surgery - which would result in a colostemy bag, but she was adament about not having one and so will have surgery next Tuesday to remove what they can. My fear for her turned into anger at the disease. We were talking after the appointment in the appointment room and she suggested we go somewhere else so they could have the room back. I responded that I didn't care what they wanted, this was about what she needed. She said she couldn't allow herself to get angry, as it takes her to place of self-blame for not having the screening sooner. I figure that cancer happens to a lot of people and why is not known. Just like all other good health practices people should do so.